I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You
By my side
So I'll hold tight to
What I know
You're here, and I'm never alone
The chorus for the song above by Barlow Girl was basically the soundtrack of my life last week. I experienced an all-time-low in my spiritual life. I'd have to say that those were the worst two days of my life. I just couldn't feel God with me, and that was weird because I had just come off this mega, ultra, super high from going to a Tenth Avenue North concert on my birthday.
Riding home from th concert, I was overcome with this sadness; this deep, soul-wrenching sadness that wracked my entire mind. I couldn't figure out why. At all. I had had an awesome time that weekend and I should have been happy that I got to experience it at all, but instead, all I felt was sad.
When I woke up on Monday to go to school, I just felt. . . Alone. I know, that may sound strange, but
I truly felt alone in the day that I was living. It felt like God had just left. Left me alone in darkness, and I was terrified. It was pretty much like I didn't know who I was because God "wasn't there." Finally, that night, I felt so down that I texted one of my really great friends asking for prayer.
We talked for a while and she said that she knew something was wrong with me that day and she knew that I was trying unsuccessfully to hide what was behind the mask that I had worn. We talked through more of our friendship and how she felt that I was leaving her or ignoring her. It was really healing and helpful to get everything out in the open because I hadn't felt righ about where our friendship stood for a while.
I asked a few of my other close friends to pray for me because I wasn't feeling much better with where I stood with God. Tuesday night, I went to my student-lead bible study and James, our unofficial-official leader said that we were going to do things a little differently that night because so many people had texted him and told him of how they couldn't feel God. While we were worshiping, I just cried out to God and asked Him where He was and that I needed Him right now. I couldn't take much more and I don't know where You are.
It was my plea, my surrender, of all the things that I had been trying to keep close to me the past weeks.I realized that I couldn't do the things that I was trying to do on my own and I needed Him to help me through every part of my life.
That night, I talked to my aforementioned friend and we both felt revived after our talk about school, and many other things. It was good to just get everything out to someone who understands and cares. I felt relieved afterward, but not completely to where I need to be with God.
That week was a struggle for me. It felt like everything I did wasn't good enough or that I wasn't pretty enough. I just didn't feel my confidence in Christ and knowing that He thinks I'm beautiful no matter what. I was just blinded and it felt terrible. Even after my plea, my surrender, things were still not up to par, and I just kept praying anf holding tight to what I know about God and how He never leaves me.
I'm doing much better this week, and I'm so grateful for the friends that keep me going and that pray for me when I need it. It's good to have people who care and love you through your calms and storms and rains or even the fiercest droughts. People who will keep their arms around you so that you don't fall and be your strength when you don't have any.